On Meeting People Where

“We meet people where they’re at,” is a fashionable mantra in behavioral health and both the clinical and non-clinical helping professions.  “But we don’t leave them there,” is the second part of this assertion, sometimes quoted, sometimes omitted.

This mantra gives me the cringe.  But why?

To help me clarify my position, I reached out on LinkedIn to Lisa Marie Ardner, a wonderful trainer colleague with a rich history in coaching, psychotherapy, crisis intervention and trauma work.  You can read the exchange on her profile posts.

In typical Irish fashion, here’s how I opened the convo:  “What is it about the ubiquitous phrase “meeting people where they are (at)” that gives me the cringe?”  I was deliberately trying to formulate a question in a way that would resonate with a seasoned MINT trainer such as Lisa.  (Motivational Interviewing Network of Trainers – you have to really know your stuff to become a member.)  An awkward construction?  Perhaps, but please give me credit for effort (“Grade E for Effort”).

“Where else would I meet you?” I continued.  “The diner?  My dreams?  Of course, if I’m a taxi … [I’ll need to know the exact address].”

Generous as ever, Lisa stepped up with this lovely response:  “In recovery work, I look at this to be a “place” of honor and respect. Honor for the person’s readiness, their values, their experiences all without pushing, pulling or pathologizing them. It means having unconditional positive regard for people or compassion without conditions.”

Where do I sign?

But, as a response to the disputed (by me!) mantra, I don’t buy it.

Why limit honor and respect to our clients?  Surely these values are applicable to all humans, irrespective of their demographics or diagnoses.  Surely, doing so is a fundamental principle of our lives: “as you would that men should do unto you, do you also unto them in like manner.”

If we do share the place of honor and respect with all of our fellow humans, what’s the need to specify that we meet clients, and only clients (and their synonyms such as recoverees, participants, etc.), “where they’re at”?  Seems redundant.

And, in effect, we’re creating a ghettoized demographic of our actual/potential clients.  An unintended consequence or a confirmation of the status quo?

Hence, my cringe regarding the phrase “meeting people where they’re at but not leaving them there” arises from my sense that it’s condescending and ego-driven.  Just who do we think we are?  An almighty ambulance service?

The mantra’s self-aggrandizing formulation situates the speaker as the only agent in the engagement – the heroic “I” who orchestrates the relationship and determines the outcome.

Obviously, I can’t accept this approach.  It’s the polar opposite of that partnership of equals which defines the coaching relationship:  “Coaches partner with clients in a thought-provoking and creative process that inspires clients to maximize their personal and professional potential.”  (International Coaching Federation, 1997; emphasis added)

The mantra conflicts with my core belief as a coach that, in coaching, there are two experts present in the relationship – you are the expert on your life; I am the expert on mine.  What the authors of the CCAR Recovery Coach Academy describe as “treating people as resources.”  That is, irrespective of how it looks on the outside, I believe that people (including clients) know for themselves what it is they need in the here and now.

The professional’s role is to facilitate access to that knowledge, and to support the client’s clarity of purpose and action, through skillful use of communication tools such as Motivational Interviewing.  Thus, at all times, the locus of power remains with the client, not the professional.  Where it should be.

Surely, what we mean to say about our professional practices is that, in recognizing our common humanity, we strive to interact with our clients, colleagues, and the public with unconditional regard and on the basis of honor and respect.

My sincere thanks to Lisa Marie Ardner for facilitating this exploration.